Torrie's Blog

A creative idea can be like a child. It whimpers when it needs attention. It follows you around the house tugging at your skirt, looking up at you with big irresistible eyes. At times it can be very demanding, especially when it’s not getting your deserved attention.

PHASE I: DENIAL
I have one of those “children” right now. This idea for a short film, this vision hit me so hard I should have know up front it wasn’t gonna leave me alone. But I tried to dismiss it because well… it’s just way too ambitious to handle right now. I have no clue how to fund it, no clue how to make the elaborate props and set design it would require, and doubt I could possibly get permission to use the song I want. (I wrote about this in a previous post….Mr. Leto? Are you listening?) Other than that it’s just a great idea. Peachy. Cool. And idea, would you PLEASE GO AWAY. I really don’t want you right now. Ummmm…no…you’re not going to go away, are you? Crap.

PHASE II: ALL RIGHT, FINE!
Ok, ok, idea. I see that you are going to keep whining. So I will need to silence the idea by proving it wrong. That should be easy enough. All I need to do is ask (Mr. Leto) for clearance to use the song and get a big fat NO in return. Also, I could talk to a friend who would totally know if my idea is even possible, I mean FUNDABLE, and get a big laugh in the face when I find out my idea will cost 2 million dollars. So, easy enough! That is what I will do in the next few weeks. So take that you big fat annoying… amazing, stunning, I’ll-cry-if-I-can’t-have-you IDEA!!!

Stay Tuned. I will be posting the results from my conquest here. Maybe THEN this dang idea will realize that I can’t possibly be the one to carry out its vision…can I?

*update, after posting this I went onto FaceBook and the only person logged on was the woman mentioned above who can give me some ideas of how I might go about doing this idea, just set up a meeting with her. Hmmmm, is the universe speaking? Won’t get my hopes up just yet…

Good Lord…I don’t know the solution for boredom. If I did, I’d be the one philosopher that had the cure for living! But I do know that about ten times as many people find their lives dull and unnecessarily dull, as ever admit it; and I do believe that if we busted out and admitted it sometimes, instead of being nice and patient and loyal for 60 years, and then nice and patient and dead for the rest of eternity, why, maybe possibly, we might make life more fun.
-Sinclair Lewis (Babbit)

I kicked some serious hiney on the novel this week. It was the not-so-fun stuff. Revisions, corrections, switching the order of pages, re-writing certain sections that no longer make sense. Holy Cow. Three days of this and my mind is all mushed up. I started creating this novel 8 months ago. I probably have another 6 months of re-rewrites and honestly…probably another year for the graphic elements. This thing is turning into a very long-term deal.

So here’s the issue. I have ideas for two more books brewing in my dang head. What the #$#@!? am I supposed to do? I’ve got a serious book-writing backlog problem. Most of my film projects are short term, 6 months or less, so this is a new problem for me. I am trying to stay focused on the novel at hand. But I’ll be going about my day when I’ll get a super-cool idea for one of the other ones! So, I’m trying to file those away for a future year.By the time this novel is done I fear I may have another 6 stories I want to write. Hmmm, might have to switch to short story format.

Blogs are a pain. After a week or so I start to feel this pressure that I need to write something here. The last few days I’ve been trying to come up with something profound to say. Therein lies the problem…”trying”. Anytime I start “trying” I am in big trouble because it means my thinking brain is taking over. Thinking Brain and I don’t always get along. Mostly because once Thinking Brain starts it won’t shut up. That is where I’ve been lately. Thinking way too much and not listening to my heart, intuition, or whatever you want to call it. My mind gets into this neverending loop as it searches desperately to figure things out or control a situation or think a million different what-if scenarios (none of which will actually ever happen!). All the while life is passing by and I don’t even notice. So I am attempting to turn the mind chatter off and get back to a place of peace, calm, and the flowingness that happens when you just allow life to unfold in its perfectly natural and beautiful way. There are 3 ways I find that help me do this. 1. Stop thinking about me me me and do something helpful for someone else.   2. meditaion, over and over until the mind finally admits defeat.  3. Channel the energy into a new creation.  So I’ll be focusing on those things and maybe next time I’ll have something more profound to type here.

Several months ago I wrote about Music Video #1. It was entered into a contest in which the musician would pick out his favorite submissions and these would be shown at the album release party. Well, the release party is this Saturday and I was recently informed that my piece is one of those to be selected! I am ecstatic! I even get to introduce the film. It will be so cool because I’ll also get to mingle among tons of artistic talent! Should be a great time!

Music Video #2 is still on hold for now. But, as I was driving and blasting my current favorite new cd (30 Seconds to Mars), another idea for a music video popped into my head and this one is so awesome I can hardly stand it. I have no clue how to pull it off yet. Also, I really want to somehow pitch the idea to this band. Wouldn’t that be something? Of course I have no connection or way of getting in front of “famous” people. Any ideas? Does anyone have a friend of a friend who knows Jared Leto? I am thinking about producing a short version of my idea then I would have something to shop around. If Jared doesn’t want it, perhaps someone else will. The crazy Dreamer in me has returned, can you tell?

Also, I am back to writing the novel this week. Ah, how I have missed my dear characters! I am getting close to having the next draft done. This one is much more “filled out” than the first. I’m getting antsy to get the next set of feedback from my editor! OK, gotta get the kiddos up and out the door to school. Talk to you later.

What better way to kick off the New Decade than by attending a VisionBoard Party? I needed to update mine so I was excited to go. So there I was with 40 other people. We were quietly going through magazines looking for photos to define our hopes and dreams for the new year. Suddenly out of the silence the following conversation occurred:

Guy A: There’s lots of magazine photos for money and financial stuff. But I’m having a hard time finding stuff that depicts family.

Guy B: (smirking) What’s wrong with that?

Guy A: Well, I’d like to put some family stuff on my vision board.

Guy B: (still smirking) You’ve got photos of money, what else do you need?!

A twinge of contempt for Guy B surged through my body. At first I thought I was having a defensive reaction, as if he was insulting stay-at-home-parents like myself. But that wasn’t it. It took me some time to figure it out, but I eventually realized my annoyance with Guy B…. I used to be this guy. Not that long ago. Yep, 12 months ago at this time I would have slathered my vision-board with million dollar bills, mansions, and BMW’s. In fact, my previous board had all of those things. As I thought about Guy B and came to understand my strong reaction to him was because I can identify with him. Then I began to feel sad for him. I know the path he is on and it’s not a very fulfilling one.

Any time you are “wanting more” of something, you are coming from a “lack mentality”. When you are in this mental place it doesn’t matter how much you get of a thing, it’s never enough. However, when you are coming from a place of LOVE, it doesn’t matter how much you have. It’s always enough. People who have lived on both sides know this is true. It’s getting to that other side, the perspective of love, that is incredibly difficult. Our culture does not foster this. We are constantly pounded with the ideology that you must have more…more money, more beauty, more square footage, more friends, more experiences, on and on.

After a lot of sleepless nights and soul-searching, I was recently able to shift to the other side. I did not put the BMW or the Spanish mansion on my vision board for 2010. I instead made a conscious decision to be happy and grateful for the car and home I already have. The instant I did this I felt a shift. I literally could FEEL that I was now coming from a place of LOVE not LACK. All the energy that was formerly feeding the “not enough” thoughts, is now freed up for other things like connecting with others and creating new pieces of art. The weird thing is that since I let go of wanting more money, editing jobs have been pouring in and I’M NOT EVEN DOING ANYTHING. People are just calling me up going, “I have a job for you. When can you start?” Coincidence? I think not. The funny thing is, I don’t even care that these jobs are pouring in. Even if it stopped today, I would still feel joy in knowing that IT IS ENOUGH RIGHT NOW.

*DISCLAIMER: I am not claiming to know what Guy B is really like. I made several assumptions about him. All I can relate here is what this conversation brought up for me.

For years I have loved the idea of mail correspondence as an art form. The Griffin and Sabine book series made me love it even more and eventually lead me to the idea behind the novel I’m currently writing. Anyway, I am so smitten with the idea of sending tiny pieces of art in the mail that I decided to try it! Here is my first piece. It was mailed off yesterday. I had so much fun doing this. I already have my next piece planned in my mind’s eye. When was the last time you received something in the mail that wasn’t junk or a bill? If you know me, you can expect to receive a little something from me sometime this year.

New Year’s Day. We went out for Chinese and this is the fortune I got. I can’t think of anything more fitting. Accepting What Is was a big theme for 2009. The other big theme was Reclamation. I reclaimed my artistic self. My passion for art and music came back strong. I even made peace with some key people from my past where mending was needed. Very amazing.

For 2010 I will state my intentions, but will allow the flow of life to take me where it will. One of my favorite books (Deep Survival) teaches that in order to survive you must have a plan, but be willing to deviate from the plan at any moment when things start to go awry (which they undoubtedly will). I agree! So here are my intentions:

- build meaningful relationships with the current people in my life and any new ones that arrive this year
- finish the novel
- launch new project (still under top secret status for now)
- launch educational DVD (almost done!)
- produce one music video

-reinvent the dying art of the dinner party

I considered putting “find someone else to do my housework”, but decided otherwise because… this one falls under “wishful fantasizing”, not a true intention.

OK, so it’s not cocaine, alcohol, or gambling. But people can get addicted to pretty much anything, even things that are seemingly good. ie, exercise, working, and can I put CHOCOLATE is this category? So now I confess…I am an addict to self-help. Over that last 15 years I’ve read every book, listened to every cd, enrolled in many programs. At first it really did help. These materials gave me new ideas and new ways of looking at life. Great! But here’s the thing. I am an avid reader and over the years 97% of what I read is some form of self-help and still I need more. Can you say A-D-D-I-C-T?

I only recently realized my “addiction” to these books and the problem behind it. These books/cds always promote ways to make your life BETTER. Translation: you aren’t good enough right now and you must strive to be more, because frankly, you suck right now. This was my true motive in reading this stuff. I kept reading in hopes of finding that ONE GEM that would make me awesome. And when that one didn’t work I’d find another and another, all the while believing my life and my self wasn’t “good enough”.

This is the problem behind Self-Help. This is how they suck you in. You should be earning more money, or loosing more weight, or having a better relationship. And some GURU is gonna give you the 7 step program to “fix” you. Well, I’VE HAD IT with this crap. I am here to proclaim that I am good enough right now. I now focus on living in the present, not some idealized future that will never occur. This may sound like defeat. But really, this is one of the biggest victories of my life. I am accepting what is. I am accepting with gratitude the money I have now, the state of my health and relationships right now. Wow, what an amazing few weeks it’s been since figuring this out. I am alive! I am not striving, I’m enjoying and loving. What a difference.

So, that’s it. I’m giving up self-help cold turkey. I invite you to do the same. Because the truth is if you were really meant to have more money, less weight, or better relationships right now…YOU WOULD. So, let’s stop beating ourselves up and realize that we are the bomb…right now!!

(There is the other problem of being addicted to the internet. Maybe I’ll tackle that one next year.)