Ockham Media

This blog is sure going a different direction than I envisioned. I meant to post samples from my latest movie projects. But this creativity storm that’s pouring down on me is a bit more interesting I think.

A recent urge begged me to sneak into the garage and pull out that dusty old bin which contains the remnants of my High School days. Back in HS I collected a plethora of my creative results. Feature length screen plays (2 of them), numerous short stories, drawings, and even the raw footage of an episode of “Tales from the Darkside” that I wrote and directed for drama class. But when I went through my “I’m sooo done with stupid high school” phase (which lasted over a decade) I threw nearly everything away.

Now that I’m looking through this bin I see there’s not much in here. All that’s left is a hand-full of drawings, one novella, 2 term papers, and a program of my last dance performance. Everything else…gone forever. What was I thinking? Why did I trash all that passion and hard work? Did I think I’d look at it later and feel embarrassed? Did I think my stuff was stupid? I honestly don’t know. But now there is this big gap in my creative history. I desperately want to see those treasures again. Did I really have any potential of being a great writer? Now I guess I’ll never know.

How about you? Did you keep your earliest creations? Are you glad you did or didn’t? Should I stop whining and get back to living in the now??!

At age 16 creativity spewed out of me like water from a hydrant. Name any artistic pursuit from drawing to filmmaking; acting to fashion design, I actively participated and was good at it. I never got exhausted from it. The energy just kept coming and I kept doing what it told me to do.

Age 21 hits and my wellspring runs dry, not an ounce of creative energy comes. Just like that. It’s over. I tried to draw or write, but suddenly my stuff sucked. I eventually concluded that this creative phase was rooted in the raw emotion of teen angst. I transformed it into something productive, rather than turning to drugs and partying like so many others in my age-group back then. I made peace with the fact that the angst was finally gone and with it, that insane creative power. It was a trade-off. Oh well. I don’t miss the angst.

Corporate America didn’t like me much. It wasn’t forgiving of my attitude and my need to be self-directed. I was miserable. It was during my ridiculous stint as a stock broker that I realized I was still in love with film. Even though this art form dumped me and left me for dead at 21. I desperately wanted it to take me back… just one more try. I dumped the corporate straight jacket and enrolled in film school. I was 26 years old.

Luckily, the production world does take me back. The creative intensity doesn’t return, but I am happy. I learn the art of “forced creativity”. Anyone who actually earns money in a creative field knows the notion of an endless creativity stream is a lie. Forced creativity is the norm so deadlines can be met and rent paid. Occasionally there is a burst of inspiration, but you can’t wait around for it to come. At times it is drudgery trying to come up with something that looks “creative” and hopefully the client doesn’t know I’m faking it. So, this is what it’s like to create from a happy angst-less place. It’s ok. Not the same, but better than the corporate world which strangles every ounce of potential creativity from its slaves.

I’ve spent the last 10 years creating from this “happy place”. I have a theory about creativity now. The best creations unfortunately come from darkness. That is why we have the stereo-type of the brooding painter, or the angry musician. These people can take this darkness and transform it into something astoundingly beautiful. The energy behind happy things is nice, but for artistic purposes, it’s just not the same. The emotional range to work with is much narrower, so there’s not as much room for that magical transformation.

So why am I making sense of all this now at age 36? Well, let me tell you a little secret. I recently tapped a new wellspring. And it appears to be as endless as the one from my teen years…

There is an amazing story that lies locked inside the country of China. This story needs to be told and I wanted to be the one to do it. After doing some initial research it didn’t take long to realize there would be one potential problem. A big one. The Chinese government.

I met yesterday with the board of directors of this particular charity that is involved with this amazing story and was told, “Love the idea. Don’t recommend doing it.” Already the Chinese gov is watching this situation and even requested that some lines be removed from the blog of the party in question. If I were to be “caught” filming this amazing story, this charity organization could be put in jeopardy, even though the film wouldn’t portray China in a negative way. (In fact the story isn’t even about China)

I simply cannot risk harming this story and the people involved so I have closed the book on this project. I’m ok with it. I don’t do well with authority figures so a part of me is relieved to reach this decision.

How much I appreciate living in a country where I can make films about whatever I want! But what makes me angry and sad is wondering… how many other amazing stories out there will forever be untold due to politics?

I feel like an impostor saying I’m a filmmaker. Really, I am an editor. Post production was my focus for the last 10 years. Now that I am expanding my vision of what I want to be doing, I realize my other skills don’t match what I see in my head for a given project. Also it makes more sense to be a jack-of-all-trades in this industry, especially for those who don’t live in NY or LA. So I decided it’s time to break out and start focusing on those areas I’m behind in. Namely, shooting and directing. And as my first love will always be post production, I’m expanding my knowledge and use of visual effects and sound design. Of course all this training happens in my plethora of free time, which maybe I can squeeze in a few hours a week. But, already I’m almost done shooting a short. I remind myself to be happy with the progress I DO make and to feel blessed that I am able to “earn a living” doing what I love right now as an editor in a small city. Oh, by the way…. I am a filmmaker now.

So I may be a bit behind the curve, but what can I say? I’ve been pulling some pretty crazy hours in the studio. Not much time to figure out this whole wordpress thing. Anyway, I just discovered Vimeo. (yes, behind the curve, as I said) I am in heaven! Wow, so much great work and inspiration there. Once I start looking I just can’t stop! I posted my first sample up on Vimeo and I’m still trying to figure out how to embed it here but that will have to wait another week.

I am also learning to deal with new HD tapeless formats. It’s been quite a learning curve. So many different formats and codecs and everything has to be compatible with my editing system. Every client sends something different, so there is no formula to make this easy. But I am learning a lot.

This post is pretty boring, but I’m swamped and tired so… more entertainment next time.