Ockham Media

Some of you might know that I am a recovering self-help junkie. One thing that always comes up in self-help stuff is FEAR and how to handle it. After reading way too many of these books and experimenting with my own FEAR, here is my own little self-help series on the topic.

As I drove away from the cemetery tiny tears slipped from my eyes. I felt relief. I felt a sense of awe. Someone just died and I couldn’t be happier.  No, it wasn’t a loved one. But it was someone I knew very well. It was me. Rather, a part of me. I just finished shooting the biggest production of my career thus far. I was full of fear to take it on. This fear-based Torrie was trying to run the show. But as I left the cemetery, the final shooting location, I realized that deceitful part of me was finally gone…at least for that moment.

You might be thinking, “So, she shot a little music video. Big deal.” But, for me it was a BIG DEAL. Not because I had to manage a small crew, 5 different locations, 4 musicians, 2 actors, and one bird. That was the easy part. But I had to face some long standing fears, look them in the eye and find a way to push through. I am sick of playing small and it was that disgust with myself that made me get out the axe and start chopping away the limiting beliefs of my own making.

Now this is gonna get kinda personal, but I really want to point out that some of the fear-based beliefs I have around my creative abilities seem very legit.  I think you will agree. Here’s a list of beliefs that conquered me in my career and with this project specifically:

1. What if I approach this band and they say, “No, that’s dumb.” Or even worse, what if they say “YES! That’s cool!” (which they did, obviously)

2. Lack of funding. (anyone in a creative field can identify with this one)

3. I cannot shoot because I have a rare condition in both eyes that makes it difficult/painful for me to even look through a camera. (yes, it’s true. Still wanna hire me? )

4. I must suck at shooting because my former employers constantly yelled at me, belittled me and planted tons of fear and stress in me around shooting video.

5. It’s never going look as cool in reality as it is in my head, so why bother. I’ll have to compromise a million things.

6. I haven’t worked with actors since film school.

7. Oh yeah, I also haven’t really directed since film school either. (ummm, that was a decade ago)

8. With 2 small children, a business, and a household to run I’ll never have the time to set up all the shoots, hire actors, find locations, get props, costumes, arrange babysitters…did I mention I have to get a freakin’ bird as well?

Ok, so this is what was spinning through my head when I started this project  8 months ago. Don’t you agree that these fears all sound pretty good? I mean especially the money one and the medical condition one. Don’t we all think most of our fears are legit? Do we not use fear to create a bunch of self-justifying drama in our lives?

This is the first post in a little series on the blog about how I dealt with these limiting beliefs. I’m not doing this to be bragging or arrogant. I’m doing it because I am a recovering self-help junkie who would now like to give back a little something.  I’m going to tell you exactly how I dealt with the fears on this list. Maybe something will speak to you. Maybe not. But I’m gonna do it anyway.

What fears are currently stopping you? Write them down. Begin to challenge their legitimacy.  In the next post I’ll share my first tactic for chopping through fear-based thinking.

We wrapped up shooting the music video today. I must say I was so impressed with the band’s performances. Each one rose to the occasion and I got some amazing footage as a result. I’m also grateful to my wonderful Production Manger and all the Production Assistants through out the shoots. After months of planning and 5 days of shooting I am TIRED. Good Nite to all!

Chuck (production manager, gaffer) Me, Michael (lead vocals), Jim (bass)

Here are a few still frames from the footage we have so far. This is raw footage, so no effects or filters have been applied yet.

Occasionally there comes a moment during the production process when you know it’s all worth it. All the hours of tedious preparations and work pay off in an instant. I experienced that moment this evening. I was looking back over today’s footage and one shot just sent chills through me. It is a shot of the lead singer releasing a dove (yes, a real dove) up to the heavens. I shot this on a special “slow motion” camera. I didn’t realize how awesome it was at the time. I spend hours visualizing what a shot should look like in my head, but when the reality is even more stunning than the imaginary, it takes my breath away. I can’t take credit for the perfection of this shot. It was just the way the dove flew straight up while a couple feathers slowly fell from his body. It was just the expression on the singer’s face. It was a rare moment of amazement captured by a lens. I feel honored to have witnessed it.

It was a very busy shooting schedule today. We worked with the singer, both actors, and the dove. The location was “bedroom”. We had to make the room look like 2 different bedrooms. The final edit will cut back and forth between the actor and the actress each in their own rooms getting ready for work. The dove was mostly cooperative and only tried to escape by landing on the ceiling fan once. Today was a challenge for me, directing wise. I arrived at this location sight-unseen. I immediately had to start changing my vision to fit the reality of the location. I feel like I spent all my energy doing this rather then being aware of the actors and what was going on around me. But, I am still very happy with how things turned out. Two shoots down, three to go. I will post some stills from the footage tomorrow.

First day of shooting went smoothly. I like that we started with the easiest day. Just one actress and only 7 shots to pull off.  We had one shot inside, but everything else was outdoors in the “meadow”. The hardest part of the day was a shot  in which a feather falls delicately into the actress’ open palm. That feather was being quite pesky. It fell on her arm and right next to her hand, but after 30 takes, it still refused to cooperate. We had to rig a 2nd shot where the feather was dropped much closer to her hand. This time we got it on Take 6. I will surgically connect the two shots into a seamless flow during the edit. Also, my three-year-old daughter ran across the set right during a take. Otherwise things went without a hitch.

actress, Kari, getting fanned in the meadow

making camera adjustments

After 8 months of planning, Music Video #2 finally starts shooting tomorrow. I can’t quite believe it. There is something so amazing about the day before a big shoot – the quiet before the storm. The last day before the imaginary pictures are replaced with real ones.

This project, my most ambitious to date, has been a true leap of faith. I experienced first hand the power of intention as everything fell into place. I was determined to get every location, person and piece of equipment and animal (yes, there are animals in the video!) precisely as I wanted, yet stay within a decent budget. On Friday the final pieces came together. I am in awe of the incredible deals I have received from random people to make this vision happen. I was nearly certain I would have to give up my goal of getting a special “slow-motion” camera. But then I found a great deal on the final shooting location. Then for some reason my rental house decided to give me a HUGE discount on this special camera. Nothing is compromised. I am full of gratitude to each person lending their touch to this project and for hearing my vision and helping me make it happen. Wow.

I will be documenting the shooting progress here on this blog. Mostly for my own amusement, but feel free to follow along! To me there is nothing more exciting than when a mental image begins to form in the tangible world as an artistic expression.