Twelve months ago I could not tell you that I was an artist. I was still in denial. I was still hoping to discover I was actually a high-power business person. I even made a couple attempts at becoming that person. Each time I was miserable and left wondering why I sucked at it so badly. Meanwhile, every time I was following an artistic whisper, I was full of joy and love, and people who saw my creations responded with such beautiful words and reactions.
Only recently have I fully realized the extent to which I was hurting myself and those around me by trying so dang hard to be something I don’t really want to be. I decided to take a new path and accept was IS. I began to embrace my inner artist, to loosen my stranglehold on her as she spent the last two decades choking for life. She awoke with a roar and a novel spilled out. She proclaimed loudly that she is tired of editing family movies and is ready to express herself in a whole new way.
The truth is that, were it up to me, I would not choose to be an artist. It can be a tough and lonely road. Honestly, I’d rather love being a stock broker or a real estate investor and make big bucks easily. But when I see who I really am I must admit I hate doing those activities and always end up self-sabotaging when I’m in those situations. If I’m not creating I feel sick inside, or full of anger, or both! So why would an artist be in denial for so long? I didn’t like the idea of admitting, “I’m an artist”, because it conjures up cultural stereotypes that are horrific! The biggest ones being the “starving artist” and the “flaky artist”. That’s enough to scare someone into being a stock broker, isn’t it? I mean, who wants to be a starving flake?? It has taken me a long long time to break through these stereotypes and come to truly believe that if I follow my heart, I won’t end up a penniless psycho. (We’ll see!)
So in 2009 my theme was RECLAIMATION. This included reclaiming my true self which is writer, filmmaker, composer, cheoreographer, fashion designer, and who knows what else. But now at the end of 2009 I loudly proclaim that I AM AN ARTIST. No I am not penniless (close). No I am not a weirdo (usually). I will not hide behind a self-imposed veil anymore and I am done chasing after “easy” money. I have gifts to share with the world and going forward that is what I will do.
I’m right there with you. I keep thinking I should find some useful, marketable skill to excel at. The only problem is how limited time is. No matter what I’m doing, I feel like it takes away from creative time. We can’t do everything, and some people happen to be good at and enjoy things that bring in more income. But life is short–we really have to pursue what we enjoy and what matters to us.
Good for you Torrie. You are too talented to throw it away. Looking forward to your many creations!