Ockham Media

Several months ago I wrote about Music Video #1. It was entered into a contest in which the musician would pick out his favorite submissions and these would be shown at the album release party. Well, the release party is this Saturday and I was recently informed that my piece is one of those to be selected! I am ecstatic! I even get to introduce the film. It will be so cool because I’ll also get to mingle among tons of artistic talent! Should be a great time!

Music Video #2 is still on hold for now. But, as I was driving and blasting my current favorite new cd (30 Seconds to Mars), another idea for a music video popped into my head and this one is so awesome I can hardly stand it. I have no clue how to pull it off yet. Also, I really want to somehow pitch the idea to this band. Wouldn’t that be something? Of course I have no connection or way of getting in front of “famous” people. Any ideas? Does anyone have a friend of a friend who knows Jared Leto? I am thinking about producing a short version of my idea then I would have something to shop around. If Jared doesn’t want it, perhaps someone else will. The crazy Dreamer in me has returned, can you tell?

Also, I am back to writing the novel this week. Ah, how I have missed my dear characters! I am getting close to having the next draft done. This one is much more “filled out” than the first. I’m getting antsy to get the next set of feedback from my editor! OK, gotta get the kiddos up and out the door to school. Talk to you later.

What better way to kick off the New Decade than by attending a VisionBoard Party? I needed to update mine so I was excited to go. So there I was with 40 other people. We were quietly going through magazines looking for photos to define our hopes and dreams for the new year. Suddenly out of the silence the following conversation occurred:

Guy A: There’s lots of magazine photos for money and financial stuff. But I’m having a hard time finding stuff that depicts family.

Guy B: (smirking) What’s wrong with that?

Guy A: Well, I’d like to put some family stuff on my vision board.

Guy B: (still smirking) You’ve got photos of money, what else do you need?!

A twinge of contempt for Guy B surged through my body. At first I thought I was having a defensive reaction, as if he was insulting stay-at-home-parents like myself. But that wasn’t it. It took me some time to figure it out, but I eventually realized my annoyance with Guy B…. I used to be this guy. Not that long ago. Yep, 12 months ago at this time I would have slathered my vision-board with million dollar bills, mansions, and BMW’s. In fact, my previous board had all of those things. As I thought about Guy B and came to understand my strong reaction to him was because I can identify with him. Then I began to feel sad for him. I know the path he is on and it’s not a very fulfilling one.

Any time you are “wanting more” of something, you are coming from a “lack mentality”. When you are in this mental place it doesn’t matter how much you get of a thing, it’s never enough. However, when you are coming from a place of LOVE, it doesn’t matter how much you have. It’s always enough. People who have lived on both sides know this is true. It’s getting to that other side, the perspective of love, that is incredibly difficult. Our culture does not foster this. We are constantly pounded with the ideology that you must have more…more money, more beauty, more square footage, more friends, more experiences, on and on.

After a lot of sleepless nights and soul-searching, I was recently able to shift to the other side. I did not put the BMW or the Spanish mansion on my vision board for 2010. I instead made a conscious decision to be happy and grateful for the car and home I already have. The instant I did this I felt a shift. I literally could FEEL that I was now coming from a place of LOVE not LACK. All the energy that was formerly feeding the “not enough” thoughts, is now freed up for other things like connecting with others and creating new pieces of art. The weird thing is that since I let go of wanting more money, editing jobs have been pouring in and I’M NOT EVEN DOING ANYTHING. People are just calling me up going, “I have a job for you. When can you start?” Coincidence? I think not. The funny thing is, I don’t even care that these jobs are pouring in. Even if it stopped today, I would still feel joy in knowing that IT IS ENOUGH RIGHT NOW.

*DISCLAIMER: I am not claiming to know what Guy B is really like. I made several assumptions about him. All I can relate here is what this conversation brought up for me.

For years I have loved the idea of mail correspondence as an art form. The Griffin and Sabine book series made me love it even more and eventually lead me to the idea behind the novel I’m currently writing. Anyway, I am so smitten with the idea of sending tiny pieces of art in the mail that I decided to try it! Here is my first piece. It was mailed off yesterday. I had so much fun doing this. I already have my next piece planned in my mind’s eye. When was the last time you received something in the mail that wasn’t junk or a bill? If you know me, you can expect to receive a little something from me sometime this year.

New Year’s Day. We went out for Chinese and this is the fortune I got. I can’t think of anything more fitting. Accepting What Is was a big theme for 2009. The other big theme was Reclamation. I reclaimed my artistic self. My passion for art and music came back strong. I even made peace with some key people from my past where mending was needed. Very amazing.

For 2010 I will state my intentions, but will allow the flow of life to take me where it will. One of my favorite books (Deep Survival) teaches that in order to survive you must have a plan, but be willing to deviate from the plan at any moment when things start to go awry (which they undoubtedly will). I agree! So here are my intentions:

- build meaningful relationships with the current people in my life and any new ones that arrive this year
- finish the novel
- launch new project (still under top secret status for now)
- launch educational DVD (almost done!)
- produce one music video

-reinvent the dying art of the dinner party

I considered putting “find someone else to do my housework”, but decided otherwise because… this one falls under “wishful fantasizing”, not a true intention.

OK, so it’s not cocaine, alcohol, or gambling. But people can get addicted to pretty much anything, even things that are seemingly good. ie, exercise, working, and can I put CHOCOLATE is this category? So now I confess…I am an addict to self-help. Over that last 15 years I’ve read every book, listened to every cd, enrolled in many programs. At first it really did help. These materials gave me new ideas and new ways of looking at life. Great! But here’s the thing. I am an avid reader and over the years 97% of what I read is some form of self-help and still I need more. Can you say A-D-D-I-C-T?

I only recently realized my “addiction” to these books and the problem behind it. These books/cds always promote ways to make your life BETTER. Translation: you aren’t good enough right now and you must strive to be more, because frankly, you suck right now. This was my true motive in reading this stuff. I kept reading in hopes of finding that ONE GEM that would make me awesome. And when that one didn’t work I’d find another and another, all the while believing my life and my self wasn’t “good enough”.

This is the problem behind Self-Help. This is how they suck you in. You should be earning more money, or loosing more weight, or having a better relationship. And some GURU is gonna give you the 7 step program to “fix” you. Well, I’VE HAD IT with this crap. I am here to proclaim that I am good enough right now. I now focus on living in the present, not some idealized future that will never occur. This may sound like defeat. But really, this is one of the biggest victories of my life. I am accepting what is. I am accepting with gratitude the money I have now, the state of my health and relationships right now. Wow, what an amazing few weeks it’s been since figuring this out. I am alive! I am not striving, I’m enjoying and loving. What a difference.

So, that’s it. I’m giving up self-help cold turkey. I invite you to do the same. Because the truth is if you were really meant to have more money, less weight, or better relationships right now…YOU WOULD. So, let’s stop beating ourselves up and realize that we are the bomb…right now!!

(There is the other problem of being addicted to the internet. Maybe I’ll tackle that one next year.)

Twelve months ago I could not tell you that I was an artist. I was still in denial. I was still hoping to discover I was actually a high-power business person. I even made a couple attempts at becoming that person. Each time I was miserable and left wondering why I sucked at it so badly. Meanwhile, every time I was following an artistic whisper, I was full of joy and love, and people who saw my creations responded with such beautiful words and reactions.

Only recently have I fully realized the extent to which I was hurting myself and those around me by trying so dang hard to be something I don’t really want to be. I decided to take a new path and accept was IS. I began to embrace my inner artist, to loosen my stranglehold on her as she spent the last two decades choking for life. She awoke with a roar and a novel spilled out. She proclaimed loudly that she is tired of editing family movies and is ready to express herself in a whole new way.

The truth is that, were it up to me, I would not choose to be an artist. It can be a tough and lonely road. Honestly, I’d rather love being a stock broker or a real estate investor and make big bucks easily. But when I see who I really am I must admit I hate doing those activities and always end up self-sabotaging when I’m in those situations.  If I’m not creating I feel sick inside, or full of anger, or both! So why would an artist be in denial for so long? I didn’t like the idea of admitting, “I’m an artist”, because it conjures up cultural stereotypes that are horrific! The biggest ones being the “starving artist” and the “flaky artist”.  That’s enough to scare someone into being a stock broker, isn’t it? I mean, who wants to be a starving flake?? It has taken me a long long time to break through these stereotypes and come to truly believe that if I follow my heart, I won’t end up a penniless psycho. (We’ll see!)

So in 2009 my theme was RECLAIMATION. This included reclaiming my true self which is writer, filmmaker, composer, cheoreographer, fashion designer, and who knows what else. But now at the end of 2009 I loudly proclaim that I AM AN ARTIST. No I am not penniless (close). No I am not a weirdo (usually). I will not hide behind a self-imposed veil anymore and I am done chasing after “easy” money. I have gifts to share with the world and going forward that is what I will do.

I continue the lonely journey of crafting a novel. I mean lonely in a good way. Sitting down with my laptop and a hot drink while my daughter slumbers peacefully is the highlight of my day. The words aren’t flowing right now. I am at a tricky part of the re-writes, but I am so enamored by the process that I love the agony anyway. I forgot how much I love this magical process.

Also, I have been writing a lot of “philosophical” essays lately. Maybe I’ll post a couple on here, not sure yet.

Music Video #2 is on hold. It got stuck in casting and it still needs funding. That’s ok. There’s not a big rush on it. In fact, the purpose of music video #2 is to promote my novel, hee hee. Pretty sneaky, huh? I’ll elaborate more soon, but this whole novel project keeps expanding into other media forms, which is a perfect fit for this particular novel.

I don’t want to jinx anything, but I may be getting on as a camera person for a documentary project! I should know more next week. Happy Thanksgiving!

*Oh, one more thing that has nothing to do with anything. But, I want to announce it here as my way of putting it out to the universe. Our travel destination for 2011 has been chosen. We will be going with both kiddos…

The writing process is so bizarre. After weeks of creative gridlock, I decided to sit down with my laptop today to work on the novel. I hadn’t touched it in weeks. After meeting with my editor on Friday, I was even more worried about getting back to it.

According to my editor the basic structure of the story is good. These next rewrites will be dedicated to expanding the story. One character needs to establish a deeper role in the story. I never quite developed her into anything interesting or helpful to the story. Also, we decided that one character who is eluded to, but never takes an active role in the story is far too important to have an offstage role in the story. So I now must add another story line to an already complicated story that covers multiple time lines. So all this was heavy on my mind when I sat down at my laptop this afternoon (with my hot chocolate).

My mind wrestled with itself. For a good 45 minutes I hemmed and hawed and squirmed in my chair trying to find the missing pieces of the story. Then suddenly….I got an idea. I began typing like a mad-woman to capture it before it disappeared. It wasn’t a brilliant idea. In fact, it was kinda dumb. But that dumb idea lead me to another idea that definitely had substance. It was then I felt the faucet begin to trickle. Creativity, slowing dripping into my brain. By the time my daughter woke up I only had 500 words, but I was totally absorbed in the idea and the trickle evolved to a steady flow. Darn, too bad I had to stop then. But after my hiatus to this novel, as I come back to it, I am still in love with the story. I am still enraptured by the characters. It’s amazing I’m not sick of them yet, but there is more of their story to tell and I am their messenger. I hope I am finally exiting the creative desert.

I wish I had something exciting to share, but I do not. It seems my wellspring of creativity has dried up as suddenly as it began. All of a sudden nothing. zilch. nada. I’ve spent the last few weeks banging my head against the wall trying to force the creative juices to flow again, but no luck. I do have a meeting with my editor this week and I do plan to crank out more re-writes on the novel over the holidays. But otherwise, my cup has run dry. I am exhausted from exerting effort and going nowhere, so I am taking a break. No use fighting the forces that be. I will write again when I have some good news to share. Maybe next year. Just kidding.

Just want to give a quick update on Music Vid#2 becasue I sound like such a whiny baby in my last post. Much progress has been made on it this week. I can’t complain. The Master Shot List is now about 90% done. I have talked to Ceavco Rentals about the equipment I’ll be using. One thing I’m so excited about is that we’ll be using a special camera that shoots in super-slow-motion. I know we’ll get some stunning shots with this baby and I can’t wait to get my hands on that camera!!! I’m also starting to scout locations which is really fun. I”ll post some pictures up sometime, once I decide on the final locations. We are trying to get permission to shoot in a hospital for part of it, so that will be interesting. Preliminary casting is just barely underway. It will be a while before I can talk more about that. Lastly, the budget. Actually I have total confidence that this will not be an issue. My passion for this project is so strong that I know it will come together. Over the next weeks I will start gathering props and continue with casting. Stay Tuned.