At age 16 creativity spewed out of me like water from a hydrant. Name any artistic pursuit from drawing to filmmaking; acting to fashion design, I actively participated and was good at it. I never got exhausted from it. The energy just kept coming and I kept doing what it told me to do.
Age 21 hits and my wellspring runs dry, not an ounce of creative energy comes. Just like that. It’s over. I tried to draw or write, but suddenly my stuff sucked. I eventually concluded that this creative phase was rooted in the raw emotion of teen angst. I transformed it into something productive, rather than turning to drugs and partying like so many others in my age-group back then. I made peace with the fact that the angst was finally gone and with it, that insane creative power. It was a trade-off. Oh well. I don’t miss the angst.
Corporate America didn’t like me much. It wasn’t forgiving of my attitude and my need to be self-directed. I was miserable. It was during my ridiculous stint as a stock broker that I realized I was still in love with film. Even though this art form dumped me and left me for dead at 21. I desperately wanted it to take me back… just one more try. I dumped the corporate straight jacket and enrolled in film school. I was 26 years old.
Luckily, the production world does take me back. The creative intensity doesn’t return, but I am happy. I learn the art of “forced creativity”. Anyone who actually earns money in a creative field knows the notion of an endless creativity stream is a lie. Forced creativity is the norm so deadlines can be met and rent paid. Occasionally there is a burst of inspiration, but you can’t wait around for it to come. At times it is drudgery trying to come up with something that looks “creative” and hopefully the client doesn’t know I’m faking it. So, this is what it’s like to create from a happy angst-less place. It’s ok. Not the same, but better than the corporate world which strangles every ounce of potential creativity from its slaves.
I’ve spent the last 10 years creating from this “happy place”. I have a theory about creativity now. The best creations unfortunately come from darkness. That is why we have the stereo-type of the brooding painter, or the angry musician. These people can take this darkness and transform it into something astoundingly beautiful. The energy behind happy things is nice, but for artistic purposes, it’s just not the same. The emotional range to work with is much narrower, so there’s not as much room for that magical transformation.
So why am I making sense of all this now at age 36? Well, let me tell you a little secret. I recently tapped a new wellspring. And it appears to be as endless as the one from my teen years…
Thanks for writing, I really liked your newest post. I think you should post more frequently, you clearly have natural ability for blogging!
You are probably right. The BEST and most brilliant artistic works probably come from darkness or even madness.
However, I’m not going to voluntarily give up my quest to be happier and more well-adjusted in order to be more creative.
When someone is dealing with darkness and angst, art can be a positive outcome rather than meaningless self-destruction (although sometimes they are combined.)
I would like to add that, for me, being really down or depressed usually results in apathy and feeling overwhelmed so that I am not very creative or productive.
The biggest creativity boost for me is BOREDOM. My most creative times in life have come when I was simply bored and had tons of free time. It’s like giving me a blank canvas that needs to be filled with something. One summer working in rural Arkansas comes to mind. Even the move to Iowa boosted my creativity over living in Colorado where I had friends, better weather and more stuff to do. But again, I don’t really want to give those up! I guess I need to manufacture some boredom in my life at times.
Thanks for writing–I am really enjoying the direction your blog is going and look forward to hearing more of your thoughts and experiences!